


Painless Agony

by CJ_writes_stuff



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Gen, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, steven dies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:28:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23779912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJ_writes_stuff/pseuds/CJ_writes_stuff
Summary: Steven wakes up in the beach house after a battle with Bluebird and makes a horrifying discovery
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Ruby/Sapphire (Steven Universe)
Comments: 54
Kudos: 189





	1. With the Dawn Comes the Pain

**Author's Note:**

> I know that this is short, but I’m just having this as the prologue for now.

The first thing Steven awoke to was a throbbing head and a ringing in his ears. He sat up, every inch of him begging him to lay back down due to his exhaustion. He blinked, the focus coming back to his vision. What had happened? Why… Why was everything so quiet? He could have sworn that he had been face-to-face with Bluebird moments ago. So why was he in his room? And why were there roses strewn on and around the bed?

His mind raced. Where were they? Where was Dad and Connie and Garnet _and Amethyst and Pearl and Lapis and Peridot and Bismuth and Larimar and Nephrite and Cherry Quartz ~~and Jasper~~ and Lars and Sadie and Ronaldo and Mayor Nanefua and Peedee and Kiki and Jenny and he wasn’t breathing and-_

He wasn’t breathing. He wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t breathing he wasn’t

He began gasping for air in an effort to prevent suffocation. To no avail as he found that he didn’t need to. He gripped his nightstand, the wood splintering in his inhuman grip. 

He rushed downstairs in hopes that someone, anyone would be home. Unfortunately, the beach house was quiet. Empty. Nothing was wrong, or at least it seemed that way. He walked around. Candles lined the shelves and the counters, giving the darkened house a soft, calming, yet doleful glow. Letters sat on the table, neatly piled into stacks.

They were all addressed to him. He reached out his hand to grab one, but something else caught his eye and caused him to freeze up. His hand… his arm… even in the dim light, he could clearly see that it was a bright, bubblegum pink.

Something was wrong. This was wrong. This was very wrong. Nothing was right. It was all wrong. It’s wrong it’s wrong it’s wrong it’s wrong it’s wrong… he gripped the fabric of his shirt that rested above his gem. He couldn’t do it he can’t do it he can’t…

All of a sudden, he was in the bathroom, gazing blankly at his reflection in the mirror. His face was the same shade of bright pink that his arm was. His hair had been bleached to a white-ish pink. Like Lion’s mane. Like Lars’s hair. No. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no _no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO **NO NO NO NO NO NO!!**_ He fell to his knees, tugging at his hair. He took a few labored gasps before doing the one thing he could do.

He screamed.


	2. Human No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven asks Pearl to fill him in on what happened to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this is now an AU of “Bluebird”, the fifth episode of SUF.
> 
> Steven’s gem kept his corpse from decaying in case anyone was confused about that. The beach house was basically a tomb.

The scream echoed off the walls of the bathroom, reverberating through the entire house. Steven’s entire body was shaking in fear and sheer panic. It couldn’t be true. He couldn’t have died. Yeah. Yeah, this was all a dream. He’d wake up soon. Everything would be normal again. _Everything would be normal again._ _**Everything would be normal again.**_

Something in his mind seemed to snap, bringing him back to reality. Still pink, still like before. He slowly released the locks of thick, curly hair clenched in his fist. He sighed heavily, voice breaking, any amount of energy wasted. Soon, the feeling of cool tile rested beneath his head. He stared up at the ceiling, not moving. Not breathing. He placed one hand on his chest over his heart. He could feel its slowed beat, maybe 10-15 bpm. The creases between his brows only deepened as the truth fully settled in.

He was dead. Steven Quartz Cutie-Pie Demayo Diamond Universe was dead. He shouldn’t be here. Bluebird… he remembered something piercing his gut, a look of madness on Bluebird’s face, their sinister, mocking laugh ringing in his ears… he remembered how much it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts

There was a scream, but this time it wasn’t his own. It was a scream of horror and panic. It came from his room. Pearl. He should go to her. 

_No._

He should tell her he was alive, at least in a way. 

_That will make things worse._

He got up. 

_Stay._

He reached for the door handle, heart pounding in its slowed beat. 

_Stop._

He turned the handle. 

_You’ll scare her._

With one swift motion, he opens the door, rushes past the dining room, heading for the stairs. 

_Go back._

No. 

_Go back._

Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up

He smacks right into Pearl. His head hits the hard wooden floorboards, a loud thud sounding out. She’s staring. 

_I told you._

Shut up. 

_She’s scared._

SHUT UP.

“S-” her voice breaks. She reaches towards him, every inch of her shaking. Tears are beginning to roll down her pale cheeks.

“Pearl, I…” he begins, but is tackled by a sobbing, laughing Pearl. She squeezes him tightly, her tears staining his shirt.

“Steven…” she whispers. Over and over and over she whispers his name in between sobs. He grabs her shoulders, pulling her back in front of him.

“PEARL, WHAT HAPPENED?!”

“Steven, I don’t know if I should-”

“What. Happened.” He said, more firmly. “Where are the others?”

“Well, Amethyst is in the temple as of… recent events. She hasn’t come out yet. Not once. Garnet is unfused. They’re both with Greg, trying to help him through all this. And Connie…” Pearl paused. “Connie has been coming here to see you every chance she gets a study break. Oh, Steven… she really misses you. She’s been wearing your jacket every day just to have a part of you there with her.”

“Oh… I hope she’s okay.” He sighed, looking down at his bubblegum-pink hands. “So, how did…”

“Bluebird. You remember them, right?” Steven nodded. They’d almost killed his dad. How COULD he forget them? “Well, we heard the commotion outside. We saw them attacking you and rushed to help, but by the time we got there, they had…”

“Pearl?” She had covered her hand with her mouth, tears in her eyes. “Pearl, you gotta tell me.”

“Their cutlass… that stars-forsaken sword of theirs was already in your body.” She shook as more tears escaped her tightly closed eyes. Her teeth were gritted and her fists were clenched. “We saw the shield disappear and the horrible, SICKENING sound your body made when it hit the ground. Connie was able to make it so that we could poof them and take you to Rose’s fountain. When the fountain’s water didn’t work, we… we took you back here. Your gem was somehow able to keep your body from decaying, thank the stars for that.”

“I…” Steven began. “How long has it been?” He asked, his voice small and trembling, like he was a fourteen-year-old kid ~~in White’s head~~ again. Pearl’s hand covered her mouth again. Steven tightened his grip on her shoulders, his now-pink hands digging into her turquoise jacket. “HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?”

“Steven, I-I can’t… you’re not ready for that yet…”

A pink glow illuminated his cheeks. “HOW LONG?”

“Steven, please…”

“AAAGGH! JUST… _TELL ME!!_ ” He screamed, tears flying from his eyes. He felt Pearl’s form shudder in his grasp before his hands suddenly became empty. Her gem clattered to the cracked wood floor. No. No, please… he didn’t want this… he didn’t mean to…

Steven ran. Past the painting of him and the Gems. His smiling, painted face was healthy. _Alive._ _**Human.**_ He ran past the kitchen. Out the door. Past ruins of stone hands jutting out from the sand. He didn’t know how far he was going. He just kept running.

And running.

And running.

And running.

And running.

And running.

And running.

He fell to his knees and instantly felt water soaking through his jeans. He looked up. Before him was the vast expanse of water. Below him, a school of fish swam past, barely taking notice to the pink-skinned teen. He’d run out onto the ocean. Ha… of course. A boat’s horn honked in the distance, spotting him. He didn’t even look up.

Only Lion had been able to do this. Lars probably could if he wanted to. He cradled his head in his hands, sobbing. He was human no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONNIE CHAPTER IS NEXT I THINK


	3. I'd Rather Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connie goes to Steven's house, but what she finds is NOT what she was expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy this took a while

Connie went to the beach house to change out Steven’s flowers. She went to the beach house to see her Biscuit lying peacefully on the neatly made bed. She went to the beach house to tell him time and time again how much she missed him. She went to the beach house for Steven.

She didn’t go to the beach house to find the bed empty. She didn’t go to the beach house to see Pearl’s gem on the wood floor. She didn’t go to the beach house to almost trip and fall in a crater embedded in the floor. This was the last thing she expected.

She grasped the blankets, running her hand along the indent in the bed where his body once lay. The roses had been crumpled on the ground, like someone had stepped on them. She walked to the crater and grabbed Pearl’s gem.

“What happened here…?” She whispered, trembling. Her mind spiraled, trying to land on an answer. She dropped to her knees, beginning to panic. Did someone take the body? Why was Pearl poofed? Steven Steven Steven Steven Steven Steven

The sound of the door opening and sniffling snapped her out of her trance. She wanted to go downstairs. She wanted to run. She wanted to at least pry her gaze from the ground. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak. She was frozen.

She heard the person reach the top of the stairs. She heard them gasp and move closer to her. She felt their hand on her shoulder.

“Connie?” he whispered. Her head snapped up to meet his pink face. She brought her hand to his cheek.

“Steven…?” She whispered in disbelief, wiping dried tears from his face. She threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. She felt strong, yet trembling hands clutching her shoulders.

“I’m so sorry,” Steven whispered, his voice breaking.

“Steven, don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Connie reassured, not sure where any of her words were coming from.

“We were supposed to be in this together. I… I can’t even do _that_ right.” He sniffled.

“It wasn’t your fault.” 

“But I…”

“It’s okay.”

He hugged her closer, sobbing into her shoulder. Connie smiled, tears forming in her eyes as she gently combed her fingers through his cotton candy colored curls.

~ ~ ~

“... I felt their sword in my gut, and I don’t remember anything after that.” Steven sighed, recounting his fight with Bluebird. Connie had given his jacket back to him, and it was now draped over his shoulders like a blanket.

“How do you feel?” Connie asked. He shrugged.

“I dunno. It’s been kind of a rough day for me.” he let out an empty chuckle. Connie sighed. She fiddled with the bag of donuts she had bought.

“Do you want to eat yet?” She asked. He shrugged again.

“I don’t really need to anymore,” she noticed his small wince when he saw her worried expression. “But I guess I’ll take one.”

She handed him the bag and he took out a donut, but didn’t eat it. Chocolate frosted. His usual favorite.

“I’m really dead, aren’t I?” He sighed.

“No, Steven. You’re here now.”

“Connie, I’m dead.”

“You’re talking to me. You can move. You still have a heartbeat, even if it’s really slow. That doesn’t sound dead to me.”

“I… I guess so.” He drew his mouth into a tight line, still unsure. The two Jam Buds sat in silence until Steven spoke again.

“Pearl told me you were able to poof Bluebird.” He said. Connie’s stomach dropped and she wished she hadn’t winced. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, Steven…” She managed to choke out. “It was just a little more complicated than that.”

“Connie…?”

“Steven, it’s okay. I’m fine.”

“You’re shaking. What happened?”

“Steven, I didn’t mean to…”

“What? What happened?”

“I…” She shut her eyes, and forced herself to say it. “ **I shattered them.** ”

He was silent. He put his hand on her shoulder.

“I didn’t mean to do it, I was just so angry. It wasn’t me wielding that sword anymore. I was a _monster._ I _hated_ grinding their gems into the sand. I _hated_ the sound of them breaking under my foot. But I laughed. It felt _good_ , and I don’t know why. It doesn’t feel good anymore, but it did to the monster.” She shook, tears running down her cheeks as she remembered her own actions.

“Connie, no… no, you aren’t a monster.” 

“But I _was_ all those months ago!” She screamed, then covered her mouth as she saw his face grow pale. She realized her mistake.

“H-how long…?”

“Steven, I didn’t mean that.”

“M-months…?”

“I wasn’t…”

“How m-many?” He asked quietly, voice small. She sighed. There was no getting out of it now.

“Ten. Almost eleven.” She clenched her teeth. She winced when she saw that he was glowing a brighter, neon pink hue.

“I-I’ve been dead for a-almost a year.” He trembled. “N-no… no no no no no no no no.”

“Steven, it’s okay.”

“NO IT’S NOT!!” He yelled, the wood of the boardwalk cracking under him. “You keep telling me that, and maybe you were right before, but this?? This is different!! Connie, I want you to tell me if leaving everyone like that for a year was okay. Tell me if leaving them with nothing but grief for a year is okay! TELL ME IF LEAVING YOU ALONE WHEN WE PROMISED TO FACE OUR PROBLEMS TOGETHER WAS OKAY!!!”

Connie could only stare at his face. Tears were pouring like waterfalls down his cheeks. He was grabbing her by the shirt, but he wasn’t angry. He looked… broken.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, just loud enough for him to hear. She wiped his tears from his cheeks with her thumb. “You never deserved any of this.”

Something inside him tore, and he let go of her shirt. He broke down into sobs, dropping to his knees. He rested his head in her lap and let her comb her fingers through his hair again.

Something glowed at her fingertips, and she pulled her hand back. _Should I tell him?_ She decided against it, moving her hand to his shoulder.

Maybe she’d tell him later, if he didn’t figure out himself first. For now, he needed some rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this chapter took so long! next chapter will be either a lars chapter or a gem chapter

**Author's Note:**

> Hoo boy. I’m excited to continue this.


End file.
